Cheltenham has something the rest of the league don’t have, a cool sounding ground, The Jonny Rocks Stadium. Unfortunately, it is named after a luxury chauffeuring service and not anybody involved in rock and roll and is, therefore, a bit of a letdown.
Club Name: Cheltenham Town
Nickname: The Robins
Sponsor: Chuck Berry Drainage Services
Star Supporters: Michael Burston/Würzel Motorhead Guitarist
Club Mascot: Würzel Gummidge
Half Time Entertainment: Air Guitar
Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Miles away so probably not
Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Andy Wilcox. Actually plays football for England seniors so respect is due. Gets a poor mad Chairman score consequently 1/10
One to Watch: Pie stall staff dressed as Elvis
Style Of Play: Mass confusion
Speciality Pie Flavour: ‘Cheval’ Something to do with the race course I understand.
Away End Capacity and Condition: 1100 with decent legroom in case you want to try on an Elvis suit. Acceptable.
Likely Pre Match Songs: God Gave Rock and Roll to you – Argent
End of Season Prediction: 19th
A historic town in Essex which is proclaimed to be one of the safest in the country and is the most boring as a consequence. Beat League leaders Lincoln on the last day of last season until Newport pipped them to 7th spot with a late goal which was hilarious.
Club Name: Colchester United
Nickname: The U’s (which indicates a similar lack of inspiration as Cambridge United. See last week)
Sponsor: Non-Ferrous Metals Monthly Magazine
Star Supporter: Dermot O’Leary (That took a lot of barrel scraping)
Club Mascot: Sid the Sloth
Half Time Entertainment: Watching Paint Dry
Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Not a Chance
Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Robbie Cowling who is also the owner of Jobserve. Yes, that interesting. 2/10
One to Watch: Sammie Szmodics who sounds like a superhero from Albania
Style Of Play: Running around in ever decreasing circles
Speciality Pie Flavour: Fresh Air
Away End Capacity and Condition: Roughly 1000. The Ground is set away from the town on an industrial estate surrounded by wasteland. Enjoy.
Likely Pre Match Songs: Boredom – Buzzcocks
End of Season Prediction: 14th
Beaten twice by Latics last season which gives you some idea of how poor they are. Described as the Armpit of the South among other unprintable descriptions.
Club Name: Crawley Town FC
Nickname: The Red Devils (Somebody should explain copyright to them)
Sponsor: Boots Underarm Deodorant
Star Supporter: The Cure
Club Mascot: Albert the Aerosol
Half Time Entertainment: Chain Smoking
Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Again, doubtful given the distance involved.
Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Ziya Eren who has given the club an interest-free loan but has attracted some criticism. 6/10
One to Watch: Mason Bloomfield. Spent most of last season not getting picked for Hamilton Academicals which makes Crawley’s excitement about signing him a little puzzling.
Style Of Play: 89 minutes of build-up followed by disappointment.
Speciality Pie Flavour: Chips
Away End Capacity and Condition: 1600 standing. Worst Named Stadium in the League (The People’s Pension Stadium!)
Likely Pre Match Songs: Friday I’m in Love – The Cure
End of Season Prediction: 20th
Next Week: Crewe, Forest Green and Exeter