The Football Manc Cave

Focusing on the football news in Greater Manchester

Examining Oldham Athletic’s 19/20 League 2 Opponents: Cheltenham Town, Colchester City & Crawley Town

Cheltenham Town

Cheltenham has something the rest of the league don’t have, a cool sounding ground, The Jonny Rocks Stadium. Unfortunately, it is named after a luxury chauffeuring service and not anybody involved in rock and roll and is, therefore, a bit of a letdown.

Club Name: Cheltenham Town

Nickname: The Robins

Sponsor: Chuck Berry Drainage Services

Star Supporters: Michael Burston/Würzel Motorhead Guitarist

Club Mascot: Würzel Gummidge

Half Time Entertainment: Air Guitar

Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Miles away so probably not

Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Andy Wilcox. Actually plays football for England seniors so respect is due. Gets a poor mad Chairman score consequently 1/10

One to Watch: Pie stall staff dressed as Elvis

Style Of Play: Mass confusion

Speciality Pie Flavour: ‘Cheval’ Something to do with the race course I understand.

Away End Capacity and Condition: 1100 with decent legroom in case you want to try on an Elvis suit. Acceptable.

Likely Pre Match Songs:  God Gave Rock and Roll to you – Argent

End of Season Prediction: 19th 

Colchester United

A historic town in Essex which is proclaimed to be one of the safest in the country and is the most boring as a consequence. Beat League leaders Lincoln on the last day of last season until Newport pipped them to 7th spot with a late goal which was hilarious.

Club Name: Colchester United

Nickname: The U’s (which indicates a similar lack of inspiration as Cambridge United. See last week)

Sponsor: Non-Ferrous Metals Monthly Magazine

Star Supporter: Dermot O’Leary (That took a lot of barrel scraping)

Club Mascot: Sid the Sloth

Half Time Entertainment: Watching Paint Dry

Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Not a Chance

Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Robbie Cowling who is also the owner of Jobserve. Yes, that interesting. 2/10

One to Watch: Sammie Szmodics who sounds like a superhero from Albania

Style Of Play: Running around in ever decreasing circles

Speciality Pie Flavour: Fresh Air

Away End Capacity and Condition: Roughly 1000.  The Ground is set away from the town on an industrial estate surrounded by wasteland. Enjoy.

Likely Pre Match Songs: Boredom – Buzzcocks

End of Season Prediction: 14th

Crawley Town

Beaten twice by Latics last season which gives you some idea of how poor they are. Described as the Armpit of the South among other unprintable descriptions.

Club Name: Crawley Town FC

Nickname: The Red Devils (Somebody should explain copyright to them)

Sponsor: Boots Underarm Deodorant

Star Supporter: The Cure

Club Mascot: Albert the Aerosol

Half Time Entertainment: Chain Smoking

Will Oldham Take Over The Town?: Again, doubtful given the distance involved.

Mad Chairman Score Out Of 10: Ziya Eren who has given the club an interest-free loan but has attracted some criticism. 6/10

One to Watch: Mason Bloomfield. Spent most of last season not getting picked for Hamilton Academicals which makes Crawley’s excitement about signing him a little puzzling.

Style Of Play: 89 minutes of build-up followed by disappointment.

Speciality Pie Flavour: Chips

Away End Capacity and Condition: 1600 standing. Worst Named Stadium in the League (The People’s Pension Stadium!)

Likely Pre Match Songs: Friday I’m in Love – The Cure

End of Season Prediction: 20th

Next Week: Crewe, Forest Green and Exeter

%d bloggers like this: